A Letter to Frodo

Elijah Wood as Frodo in Peter Jackson's live-action version of The Lord of the Rings. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hi Frodo. You’re a hobbit right? I must say your feet are weird but I love every character you’ve got. You are fierce, strong, curious and small, just like me. Okay, the small bit. The rest is really up to people around me not me. I also love your uncle. What’s his name again? Bilbo Baggins.

The shire is everything I want. Peaceful, warm, green (outside), normal, awesome, and a home; with all the comforts. I must say your décor sucks but you’re a hobbit so imma let that slide. What? You thought being a hobbit is weird? The ear thing you’ve got going on and your round house? I don’t think so but if I were you, I’d shave those feet. Jesus!!! But I do love your round house.

Erebor is magnificent. The city of Dale looks like it’s inhabited to the untrained eye. Too bad the dragon ruined Erebor but I love dragons so think of me as weird. I don’t mind.  I know they cause a lot of harm but there is something special about those creatures. You know there are houses, real ones that look like they were abandoned long time. I’m sure ghosts live there. I wish vampires were real. They’d inhabit those houses. I should write a letter to the originals. I love the intrigue. Ahh … If wishes were horses …

By the way your uncle’s movie has a flaw I can’t ignore anymore. How does a hobbit hold something (what is that anyway?)glistening because of fire and holds it with his own hands to be molded without getting burnt? That’s one hell of a lie but so are dragons. But, since you can’t conjure fire, that’s a lie in fiction. Anyway, let me ignore that flaw.

But Smaug … I love. Reminds me I have to see “The Desolation of Smaug”. I need to see the dwarves at home. Smaug or no Smaug.

The Arkenstone. For real? Anyway nothing is real so I’m sorry I pointed that out. The Elvish king. What was his name again? Thre… something.  He deserves to be King but the first one was a joke. The lady of Lorien … epic!!! She calls Gandalf, Mithrandir … that is so Lord of the Rings but that was awesome. She can read minds … I wouldn’t want her around me.

You got sick, King Thrain? Your son stuck by you. Thorin. Buy him a medal. He deserves it. Your sickness was weird. Well, to me.

Unfortunately, I’m sure you are a mean guy. What’s his heart’s desire? If you can give it to him, go ahead. I hope it’s not your throne or your gold because I can tell you’ll be a big disappointment. Given a choice, I‘d not be around to see such sad sickness eat you alive. Thank God that pale Orc finished you. Seriously you died in the movie and left the gold. (Thank God the movie is not from Nollywood). Tell yourself that it’s not real. Oh no! Don’t get me wrong. I hate orcs.

Kingdom of Moriah and the orcs. I didn’t like that war. The one you were beheaded? No, I don’t. You seem okay. Well, to me. But looks can be so deceiving. Whatever!!! It’s a movie. But the eagles that rescued the entire crew were awesome. I love that Thorin was not killed. It could have been the end of the Journey for me. And so was Bilbo. You have a good uncle, Frodo.

And that part of him and Gollum was weird. Anyway, that explains how he got the ring. Thorin’s attitude to Bilbo was despicable at first. Bilbo almost left and that didn’t sit well with me. But He changed his mind and so did I about Him.

Gandalf. I love Gandalf.  Why is He not in Harry Potter? By the way, what was that good morning thing? I didn’t get it and I’m not going to repeat a movie coz of good morning banter. Bilbo was just being himself. Saruman. I also like him. Weird,huh? After what he did to you, Frodo while you bore that ring, he should be an enemy.

But I like his attitude here. He talks to Gandalf without fear or favour and that I love. But his disdain for that garden wizard I don’t like. Gandalf said nothing. Well, Saruman’s very old so maybe that’s why I don’t mind him. If He were young, He’d be an enemy. Big time.

Again, I hate orcs. Those things are hideous and the fact that they are not for this warrior group makes them my enemies. Well the dragon did not do well. It should leave Erebor. 60 years guarding plunder? No!!! The Orc city was horrible and the fact that the crew survived the orcs was even more horrible. You cannot fall that far and live. And orcs cannot surround you and you live. That’s just wrong. But I’m happy you survived. Had you died, I wouldn’t have watched the rest of the movie. Trust me. Anyway, flaws happen. Unless, I missed a divine something. Oh! Gandalf … Yeah, sorta divine. Your movie has few flaws. I like that.

Riverndale. The beautiful city of Elves. I didn’t get it. Why did the dwarves leave? Or they have no home? Sad!!! You’ll get one as soon as I watch Smaug being made desolate. But you do have a home in middle earth. Dragon or no dragon.

Anyway I guess the movie couldn’t have been a complete journey without these men. And Bilbo Baggins.