A Letter to Captain Jack Sparrow …

Jack Sparrow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

First I want to wish you a long and happy life. I love Pirates of the Caribbean and I’m glad it made you super rich. I know you said you have a daughter that you have no idea what to do with all your earnings. I honestly don’t care what you decide to do but invest in her. I know you understand what I mean. By the way I didn’t know how to spell Caribbean. I was putting double “r” instead of double “b”. I know you are not a real pirate but I hope all captains are like you. Okay the wishes were horses thingy do apply but whatever …

I know I am pissing someone off but too bad. Stop reading this, breathe ten times and move the fuck on. You know the beauty of your movie is that it has no abusive language. I’ll try to be subtle. I promise.

Now, I really wanted you to die in the end but I’m glad you didn’t. Bootstraps son took your place. You should be glad. What was his name again? Yeah, Will Turner.

And that other captain, the one without one leg, what’s his name again? He played his role nicely but you are my all time favorite.

Drink up, me hearties, yo ho … I know you recognize that song. Elizabeth (Miss Swann) sang it once. On a ship. And so did you in the end.

At one time, she couldn’t breathe. Her dress was too tight and Commodore Norrington thought she was nervous. At this point I must laugh.

Remember these conversations?

First guard to Capt. Jack Sparrow: This dock is off limits to civilians.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: I am terribly sorry. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately.

XOXO----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Captain Jack Sparrow: Where did you get that? (Looking at a Pirate’s coin on Elizabeth’s neck)

Commodore Norrington: (With sword to Sparrow’s neck) on your feet.

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you alright?

Elizabeth: Yes, I’m fine.

Governor Swann: Shoot him (Covering Elizabeth with his coat and asking his guards to kill Captain Jack Sparrow)

Elizabeth: Father!

Gov. Swann: What?

Elizabeth: Commodore … do you intend to kill my rescuer?

Capt. Jack Sparrow: (turns to first guard and motions a Thank you)

Commodore Norrington: I believe thanks are in order.

Captain Jack Sparrow: (Stretching out his hand to Commodore Norrington.)

Commodore Norrington: Had a brush with the East Indian Trading Company, did we? Pirate?

Captain Jack Sparrow: (Says something I couldn’t understand)

Gov. Swann: Hang him.

Commodore Norrington: (To the guards) Keep your guns on him.

Gillette, fetch some iron.

                                                (Taking Sparrows hand and examining it)Well, well. Jack Sparrow, isn’t it?

Capt. Jack Sparrow: Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please, sir.

Commodore Norrington: Well, I don’t see your ship Captain.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: I’m in the market Sir, as it were.

First Guard to Commodore Norrington: He said he’d come to commandeer one.

Second guard to First Guard: I told you he was telling the truth.

Second guard to Commodore Norrington: These are his, Sir.

Commodore Norrington:  No additional shot, no powder; a compass that doesn’t point north; (Pulling Captain Jack Sparrow’s sword out of its sheath) And I half expected it to be made of wood!

Captain Jack Sparrow: (Smiles Vaguely at Commodore)

Commodore Norrington:You are without a doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.

Commodore Norrington: (Grabs Jacks hand and pulls him to one side of the ship)

Elizabeth: (Walking swiftly towards Commodore) Commodore, I really must protest.

Commodore to Lieutenant: Carefully, lieutenant.

Elizabeth: Pirate or not,this man saved my life.

Commodore: One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.

Capt. Jack Sparrow: Though it seems enough to condemn him.

Commodore: Indeed.

Capt Jack Sparrow: (With his shackles on Elizabeth’s neck) finally.

Elizabeth: (Shrieks)

Gov. Swan: No!!! (To guards)No! Don’t shoot!

Capt. Jack Sparrow to Elizabeth: I knew you’d warm up to me.

Capt. Jack Sparrow to Commodore: Commodore Norrington, my effects, please. And my hat.

                                                                (Commodore is unsure of what to do)

Capt. Jack Sparrow: (Shouting) Commodore!!!

Commodore: (Turning to guards while guard no.1 brings Capt. Jack Sparrows effects)

Capt Jack Sparrow to Elizabeth: It is Elizabeth isn’t it.

Elizabeth: It’s Miss Swan.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Miss Swan, If you’d be so kind.

Come, come dear. We don’t have all day. (Elizabeth takes Capt. Jack Sparrows effects and put them on the pirate Capt.)

Easy on the goods, darling

Elizabeth: You’re despicable.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you saved mine. We’re square.

Gentlemen, Milady, you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

Blah blah ...

Commodore Norrington: Gillette, Mr. Sparrow has made an appointment with the gallows. I’d hate for him to miss it …

Jeez, I am already tired from all this commentary. Scriptwriters do get tired!!! God!

You know you are Captain even in death, Sparrow? I need to laugh. Honestly, you make my days memorable. Well, days that I get to see your red band and craziness. And I don’t care how old this movie is. I’ve watched it so many times. It’s a classic.

Lose the rum addiction. God!!!

And stop calling the cracken a terrible beastie. Like seriously?

And that paint that makes you look like you are staring instead of blinking is awesome. I wouldn’t have thought of that.

And stop telling Turner that Elizabeth should be responsible for her mistakes. She did it for you. Remember?

Well, this is just a tip of the iceberg. Remember your first death? Or should I call it reincarnation? You got replaced by the 2^nd captain who owns a stupid monkey. Yes, Captain Barbossa.

Elizabeth killed you? Why do I not feel sorry? Anyway, you are not dead.

Picking your crew was super hilarious. You need to fall in love with Mr. Gibbs. That guy really loves you. I’m not telling you to be gay. Just be pirate buddies. I want to say bros but that is super gay. I hear guys talking about it and one word comes to mind, gays! And stop being scared by Ragetti (the guy who keeps dropping his fake wooden eye).Pintel, ah, the friend’s name. Cotton’s parrot, well thank you for keeping him, he’s not so bad.

Admiral Beckett? Really? There was no one available for that slot? No Briton available? That guy has acted as the first suitor to Elizabeth in Jane Austen’s masterpiece. I forget his name. I hate him. It’s awesome he got what he deserved in the end. Good business my foot!!! But you deserve credit because if I loved you, then your role would be useless.

And that octopus, Jesus! He’s hideous but I love the “Do you fear death” part. He’s a natural. Ah! Yes! David Jones. I don’t like the back thingy. It makes him more hideous. And his claw! Jesus!

Calypso … too bad she means nothing to you. She’s everything to Jones. But Jones is a fool only wanting more crewmen and recognizing Calypso in the end.

Chartman? Hehehe …

So Barbossa doesn’t understand your Locker plans. Just say you are plan-less. Since when does Capt. Jack Sparrow have plans? And no!!! I didn’t say you are stupid.

And that part of Elizabeth and the Gov. Swann tore me to pieces … was that part necessary?

Remember Parle? The parrot said that to the monkey when you guys decided to point guns at each other. And you said it when pirates around you looked at you because you backed the war.

The telescope war was hilarious. Capt. Jack Sparrow, see a doctor ASAP.

The Brethren court … whatever!!! Captain didn’t like the idea Barbossa. I didn’t either but you say you are Captain too not chartman… get a ship seriously. Yours has been owned by Sparrow and trust me, he’s obsessed with ships … or you can fight for it and lose.

And Sao Feng … well, what the hell happened to your face? Jesus!!!

Captain Turner, I like you. Burden to bear?...We both know that is not original.

Captain Jack Sparrow wants to be saved because he’s missed. I am still processing that line… Of course you are missed by everyone who loves you but not your crew. Well, the ones with emotion and the monkey. C’mon, they are pirates.

And David Jones is an old friend which you survived even after the doubts. Always put that in mind. Well you can close your eyes and pretend it’s a bad dream. It’s how you get by, Capt. Jack Sparrow.

And those glasses should be given to toddlers if they are still there. People toast in those? That’s a bad joke, right?

Barbossa, your words are real. Honor is a hard thing to come by nowadays.

Anyone who trusts the Captain for anything else except to charter the waters is doomed. We both know it. I am talking of Captain Jack Sparrow.

James or rather Norrington. I forgot your rank. You were right. It’s liberating to know that your destiny was entwined with Elizabeth’s but not joined. I didn’t like your role in one and two but now I’m cool with it. No wonder Elizabeth felt that way for you.

Captain Jack Sparrow said to Capt. Turner that “death has a curious way of reshuffling one’s priorities.” I agree. It does. What looked so important may no longer mean anything.

One of my favorite  Conversations …

David Jones: Do you fear death?

Captain Jack Sparrow: You’ve no idea

The Jamaican woman. Calypso. I love her accent but the crabs went overboard!!! I mean it.

I want to say a lot more but you’ll always remain a favorite.

Savvy…