Please, I Need Space …

Now, what to say …

I’m so blank it hurts and what is in my mind is too personal to say.

Oh, well … maybe another time … (unspecified time lapse)

Oh, yeah … now I can type …

Have you ever had that person who crowds your space? It is like everywhere you turn, they want in. I don’t know if you understand me, but you need time alone and this person or people do not get that. In most cases, you try to please such people so that you can have your peace. Now, I get why so many people would rather please others. Not that it is good. I think it is crazy. Anyway, that’s me.

Unfortunately, I am the exact opposite. I will tell you to go to hell and do what toots my horn. (I think I am bad news! Or maybe I am bitter at someone or some people. Who knows?)

I do not intend to push people away, but this attention is killing me. Or am I delusional? It is not faking anything when I say I hate attention, rather it is annoying. Nowadays I just pray I never have visitors, but, what a futile thing! Visitors are good. I mean it. I just wish they came to see someone else not me!  The masses just keep coming. I don’t know what to do now. I believe my close friends are my world. Anyone else, ride on the friendship wave at your own peril.

Don’t blame me if you hit a wall. It was never my doing!

I feel like I am suffocating and I don’t like it. I need space … especially from strangers! Jesus!

The problem with such attention is that when you live your life, people want to weigh in and take control of your actions. When you deviate from the norm, it is like a floodlight of sorts is shining on you. One small misstep and everyone notices. I miss the good ole’ days of vagueness. You are part of the crowd and nothing shines on you. Mistakes or not, no one cares.

I didn’t know I had a rare privilege of being among the huge crowd. I deeply regret this “all eyes on you” thing. Unfortunately, I am not perfect. And strangers don’t get that. Trying to explain it to them is looking for sorrow.  And, mark my words, I won’t try to explain. Being imperfect is so good. Why would anyone need perfection? Only God is perfect in my world. I really like that disparity.

You know, even following the rules of man is not perfection. No!!! Just because you don’t do drugs, e.t.c. does not make you perfect.

I’m so confused, dear Lord! I need clarity ASAP! Or am I over thinking this?

Yeah, I know God says that we become perfect, but let’s face it, we try and fail miserably. Or is it just me? I need prayers! (Maybe I should singularize that first sentence of this paragraph)

Please don’t think this is doubt. I think I have faith. I don’t know if it is alive or dead!

But, there is a huge difference in someone who tries. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. People who don’t care (like me) are a danger. That’s why I don’t get all this fuss. I’m not good. Why won’t people see that?

You know, I’m no celebrity. I don’t want to be. I mean, what for? Fame is just trouble.  I don’t star in anything and I hope never to unless it is based on intellect and not some fancy thing. I believe it just brings all the wrong attention unless you work in Hollywood. Hollywood has a tendency to bring you good attention and bad attention in the tabloids. But maybe the cash solves all those attention problems. Who knows?

 But, when I look at those people, I see bravery. I see courage against all those flashing cameras and videos. Lupita Nyong’o has serious courage! Of course, there are many others, but I guess their lives are their own. Their lives matter less to me.

I mean, I love their achievements, but I don’t care about the people to cause me sleepless nights. (I hope I’m not being rude here. I’m just minding my own business!)

I like the style of these famous but hidden people. You rarely get any news about them unless you Google (Google knows stuff!) I like it better when I am just another person in a crowd. I mean, I can get away with anything.

“Careful” has never existed in my dictionary of words. I’m just careless ( or is it reckless) and I like it that way. But, make no mistake, if you lose your keys because of carelessness, I won't understand. I am not talking about that type of careless. Anyway, I guess I won’t force anything because the anything becomes worse!

How politicians make it (with all those lies), I have no idea!

I think these people have a talent of sorts! Crazy is my definition of them. Don’t go there if you don’t have talent! It is like throwing your entire self under the bus!

I guess, I’ll just be myself. Force nothing and let things be. Whether I like it or not, I’ll just be quiet and smile.

I don’t need issues on top of what I have. God, no!!!

I guess fitting in should stop now. Why try to be someone you are not? (Note to self) …

One word, exhausting!!!